Unfortunate URLs

I found these here.

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

Let's Play Catch - Up: The Aftermath

Wednesday, October 4th, 2006

Today I applied for jobs as a dog wrangler, an apprentice baker, and the front-desk attendant at a flight school.

With all of my new free time I've been thinking of taking up another hobby, looking into getting a job on the fire department, and watching some reruns of Frasier on tv that I'd normally miss under the tyranny of a daily schedule.

I also find myself contemplating crazy things I never cared so much about before. Like my chest hair. I have a lot of it. And it's thick. I wonder what it'd be like to have no chest hair.

Thursday, October 5th, 2006

I didn't do a damn thing today. Nothing terribly constructive, anyway. I set a high score for that game where you take the big mallet and hit the bar that makes a little ball or something fly up and hit the bell. I don't know what it's called, but until someone hits the reset button later tonight, I'm the strongest man in the city. Possible strength/chest hair connection? We'll need to run some more tests, but at this stage I'm 92% sure that I draw my strength from the raw power of my manly body rug.

Friday, October 6th, 2006

I applied for some more jobs today (AV technician, cameraperson, restaurant dishwasher/prep person, pizzamaker, and lunch server). I have an interview at one of the restaurants tomorrow.

Saturday, October 7th, 2006

I was offered a job at the Sterling Cafe, which I was told by the owner is the first organic food restaurant in the states.

There, now you're all caught up. It's not Sunday, October 8th. I start working on Thursday, which gives me 3 or 4 more days to try to find work in my field or work that will be more stimulating than organic food preparation. However, I won't have to go long without a paycheck so I'm free to continue with my studies on chest hair.

Let's Play Catch - Up 2: Electric Boogaloo

Monday, October 2nd, 2006

P showed up this morning with a black eye. He told me (and anyone who would listen) that he got in a fight with some kids who wanted to steal his money. But he didn't have any money. So they hit him. In the eye. He ate some breakfast while sharing his story with every passerby, and then joined the rest of the class. We actually spent a little bit of time working on his goals and making some progress. He wasn't angry at all when I brought up work-related matters and he was fairly calm all day long. He did his job, and the day was very normal and easy.

Until after work.

I went home and started taking a nap. I had errands to run and planned on waking up around 5:30 to take care of everything. Around 5:15 I got a phone call from the agency asking if I was coming in to work. I told them no, I hadn't planned on it. When asked why, I didn't really know what to say. I hadn't heard of any work I was supposed to be doing on Monday afternoon. It wasn't on my schedule anywhere. Apparently what happened was the owner of the agency had e-mailed me asking me to come in and meet with him that evening regarding the incident in the meeting last week. However, I never received such an e-mail. I don't think they believed me when I told them that, and they started getting a little rude when I explained that I wouldn't be able to meet them that evening. They then asked if I could meet with them Tuesday. I could not, as I had an appointment (I even asked for the day off the week before so she'd know I was unavailable). They then asked me about Wednesday, which seemed silly as they scheduled me to work a Wednesday evening shift. The earliest I would be able to meet with them was Thursday.

No matter how many times they asked me, the situation stayed the same. I was incredibly frustrated with the situation, and my voice was very indicative of this. At that point I was just tired of dealing with this mess. I hadn't done anything wrong and it was draining me to have people continuously bringing it up and then having stuff like this happen. I told them I'd meet them at 4:45 on Thursday evening and we hung up the phone.

I went out to run errands. I was walking in the middle of the city when my phone rang. It was the agency again. I answered the phone and was immediately told that due to my reaction to hearing I had a meeting with the owner, I was being put on administrative leave until I felt it was "important enough to meet with [them]." I explained once again that it had nothing to do with the importance of the meeting and everything to do with the fact that I was busy. I was then told that I sounded paranoid about what the meeting was actually about. When I told them I wasn't paranoid, I was frustrated with the entire situation, I received no response. So, I told them that since I was on leave, I had a ton of free time and would gladly meet with them tomorrow. Tuesday at 11:30.

Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006 (11:30)

I arrived on time and ended up waiting for about 10 minutes for my supervisor. All she did was take me to the next building where the owner's office and practice (he's a psychiatrist) was. She led me to his office, a very dark room with no lights on and the window blinds drawn shut. Right off the bat he told me he no longer felt like I was a good fit for the agency. He told me he thought the entire situation was my fault and then proceeded to analyze me for a few more minutes, telling me what type of person I am and how I feel. I sat there for a little while, but decided to speak up right around the 30th time he tried to tell me how I feel. When I told him "I understand what you're trying to say, but you're completely wrong and I don't appreciate being told how I feel," his rebuttal was a very planned, cold, psychiatrist response. "We know you're right, Mike. You've made it very clear to us that you're right and we're wrong."

At this point I realized he wasn't going to hear a word that I had to say and he'd planned out his speech and responses in advance, so I asked if we were done, excused myself, filled out a time sheet for the day before, and took off.

So that situation is behind me completely. I really hope they find someone great for P. I hope he succeeds in life and is able to control himself better in the future. I wish I could help him out, but it's no longer my job. It's someone else's turn to take some kicks to the junk.

C'est la vie.

Let's Play Catch - Up

Sorry about the lack of updates, folks! A lot has happened in the last week, so let's jump right into it.

Wednesday, September 27th, 2006

Today was a little bit longer but a lot easier. P showed up to school and we did the normal school stuff. He was in a decent mood and things were fine all day long. I was still a little tired from the day before, but P was having a good day so things were pretty easygoing. About halfway through the day I heard that I may have to pick up a 7:00 am shift before work but never heard anything or received any e-mail about it so I dismissed it. Eventually I e-mailed my supervisor and inquired about it and, as it turned out, I was assigned to work at 7:00 am with R, the kid with the crazy schedule from the week before. Sweet.

P and I went to the library for a few minutes. It was (thankfully) a very uneventful trip. My next shift wasn't until 5:30 and it was only 4:30. Unfortunately, due to traffic conditions and the distance I had to travel, I was still 15 minutes late to my second shift. During this time I called my supervisor, J, and told her that I would be late to my second shift. I also told her that I was not very pleased with the scene made at last night's meeting by the agency's owner. I told her I was very frustrated by what happened and I'd speak with him myself when I was ready to. She agreed that he was very confrontational and said he was mostly protecting her. Apparently she was the one who was offended buy the suggestion of meeting somewhere else. She thanked me for venting and promised that my work was not going unnoticed.

I made it through the second shift, arrived home around 10:00, and sat down to relax before heading off to bed so I could wake up for my early shift before work. I checked my e-mail and found that my supervisor had asked me to write down how my 2nd shift was, as a co-worker of mine would be visiting that same client the next night. So, I sat down and I wrote this:

"Hey N,

"So J asked me to e-mail you tonight and let you know how my evening with Z was. Well let me tell you, it was magical. I'm not sure how thorough this needs to be, so I'll just write what I remember.

"Traffic was pretty backed up from my direction and I ended up calling them around 5:20 and letting them know I'd be late. I was 15 minutes late but Z's aunt was totally cool with it (she deals with traffic all the time). Apparently earlier in the day Z snuck out of the house so he could skip school, but he got caught and sent home. This put him in a bad mood so he started threatening his aunt and "actin' the damn fool" as they say somewhere. From what I gathered all he did was hurl insults, threats, and some nasty language her way. When I got there he was just chilling out on the floor mumbling something derogatory-sounding under his breath. His room was a really awful mess of rotting food and foul laundry, so his aunt was cleaning it. She told me he's gotten violent before (broke her jaw once), but nobody really tries to restrain him, they just back off. Tonight, however, he was completely under control, just a stream of bad language.

"We went on an adventure to the laundromat, where we did 7 loads of his dirty laundry. I don't remember what time we arrived, but we didn't leave until 8:40. We played rummy while we waited for the clothes to dry (he won 635-405). At one point he tore the "Out of Order" signs off the broken dryers and threw them away. I told him that was uncool and explained to him how badly it sucks sometimes to get jipped (not in those words). I then asked him to put the signs back up and he did. The kid loves rap and metal and reflects that in his personality. His aunt bought a padlock and installed it on her bedroom door so he can't "get in anymore". I didn't inquire about that at all. When we got home I helped him fold and put away his clothes and his aunt made macaroni and cheese (he put ketchup on it). Around 9:20 his aunt told me I was free to go if I wanted to. I hung out and chatted with her and Z for about 10 minutes and ended up leaving shortly after 9:30 (I thought it was cool enough of her to let me go before 9:45).

"That's about it. Pretty easy-going family. He (normally) has a 9:30 bedtime, an affectionate cat, and a ridiculously awesome dog. Not a bad night, considering he was supposed to be in a pretty bad mood (and seemed to be at first, but it didn't take a lot of interaction to get him to open up and talk about music and whatever else he felt like saying about school or his aunt or playing guitar).

"That's probably enough. If you need to get in touch with them, the second phone number listed in the contact sheet is her cell and she keeps it on her all the time. Hope this helps!"

I ended up not being able to sleep just because I knew I had to be awake at 6:00 am.

Thursday, September 28th, 2006

My alarm went off at 5:45. The first thing I did was reset it for 6:00.

My alarm went off at 6:00. I hit the snooze button and rolled over.

My alarm went off at 6:04. I sat up, yawned, shut off the alarm, and dragged myself to the bathroom. I took the quickest half-asleep shower ever, threw some clothes on, and headed out the door. I figured I'd hit some traffic on my way to his house. I did not. I was 15 minutes early.

I was back at R's house. For those of you who have forgotten, R is the kid with the scheduled out life. It's a very difficult schedule to maintain, as he usually finishes up a task fairly early and will have to sit in his room between each scheduled event (which, obviously, he doesn't want to do). So I worked with him, preparing his breakfast, getting him ready for school, etc. At 8:30 I dropped him off at school and headed towards my normally scheduled job with P 40 minutes (without traffic) away.

It was Thursday so P had to work at Rite Aid that morning. He did an awesome job! He shelved about 4 boxes worth of Halloween candy and novelties. I didn't have to help a bit. In fact, I spent a good deal of time just standing in one spot while he worked and kept to himself. We finished up the Halloween isle just in time and caught the bus back to school for lunch. After lunch we went out to the library again. Once again we had another successful library trip! Things are finally looking good for P! He's really adapting well now and I'm very proud of him. We got back at the school with little time to do much else but get ready to put him on the bus and go home.

I took a nap when I got home.

Friday, September 29th, 2006

The first thing that happened today was P took one look at his schedule and saw that he had nothing planned. I told him that sometimes he won't have anything planned and it's his choice to either find someone to help him make plans or decide what he wants to do in the classroom that day. He threw a small tantrum. When I asked what he was frustrated about he told me it was because people are always screwing him over. When I explained to him that he got to go to the zoo and to the movies, his sly retort was "So?" Blast! Defeated again by kid logic!

I decided that since he was starting to act up so early in the day it was probably best that he not go anywhere. P then started asking other teachers if he could go places and before I could explain what had just occured, S signed him up to go to the gym.

So P and I hung out a bit then went down to the gym with 2 other students. It was an alright gym and the kids were fairly well behaved. The biggest problem I was having was in attempting to help them understand that the less weight they used the better off they'd be tomorrow when they wake up sore. P kept testing me everytime I tried to help him, asking me loaded questions like "Are you saying I'm out of shape?" and "You think I'm too fat to lift 70 pounds?" Eventually I just allowed P to use however much weight he wanted and saved my words of advice for students who were willing to hear them.

Later in the day the agency staff member had a meeting with 2 of the program's teachers, one of them being S. Apparently they'd all gotten together and decided that S would be the go-to guy in all matters concerning our agency. This wasn't exactly the best news in the world, but I was glad to hear there was a concrete person to go to should there be any more confusion.

After the meeting I met with S, who apologized for constantly negating me and asked if I'd like to speak with P about how there would be consequences for his actions in the future. This was a very pleasent surprise and we had an excellent conversation with P about it. He was very mature and took the feedback well. I left work that day feeling pretty excellent about things.

And then, Monday.

Stay Tuned For "Catch-Up Part 2: Catch Harder"

"That's a ridiculous idea."

I don't even want to write about today. I don't even want to remember that today happened. Today, to put it mildly, sucked.

P didn't show up to school today. I waited for about an hour thinking he may show up late, but he didn't. His teacher, S, asked me what I was going to do today, so I told him "I don't know. I guess I'll call the agency and if they don't need me, I'll leave." He responded curtly with "You're not leaving." S is not exactly the most knowledgable guy when it comes to matters of the agency vs the school district, so I passed it off and called the agency. I was told to ask another one of the employees, C, whether I was needed or not and, if not, I would be free to go. When I hung up the phone S asked me what happened, so I told him.

When I got to the part about asking C what I should do, he looked like he was having a seizure. He kept making ridiculous faces and looking at me like I was a moron. When I finished recapping my phone call, he told me "Well, I have almost the same job as C, so I'm saying you have to stay." I tried to explain to him that since I was told to ask C what to do I'd feel more comfortable obtaining an answer from her. This was met only with more annoyed grunts and wacky facial expressions until he stomped upstairs to where C was working.

While S was upstairs venting, I spoke with some of my co-workers about a meeting we were having that evening. According to the schedule the 7 of us were to drive directly from the school, through traffic, to the office to meet up. We all agreed that it made more sense for our boss to drive to us, thinking it would save everyone time (including time that would appear on company time sheets), and mileadge (which would also appear on company time sheets). Since I was without a client and therefore relatively free, I wrote out the e-mail. I recieved a reply shortly afterwards saying that the meetings always take place at the office. And we can't claim mileadge to the meetings. Bummer.

Very shortly after that C came downstairs and said "Hey Mike, since P's not here I want you to work on something for me." "Let me guess, S has been complaining about me," I inquired. C looked very uncomfortable as she slowly replied "No, I just have something for you to do."

I spent about an hour and a half staring at Excel doing spreadsheets, hardly the job of a youth behavior specialist.

When I was done I helped out some of the agency's other employees and left as soon as possible. I wanted to forget the day even happened, get through the supervision meeting, and go home. The owner of the agency showed up, unbeknownst to all of us, to join in the meeting. We all gathered, exchanged pleasent small talk and anecdotes about the day's events, he sat down next to me, and the meeting began.

The first thing the owner said was "First of all, who wrote that e-mail about us meeting at the school? Who's idea was that?" Seemed to me like a trick question, as it was my e-mail but not my idea. However, I spoke up, claiming my words with great authority, completely unaware of what was to come next.

"That's a ridiculous idea. We had no idea where it came from. We're here, we meet here. That's how it is."

I felt all eyes on me. And not just regular, curious, watching eyes. Gigantic, shocked, watching eyes. I don't think any of us knew what to say.

We all sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. I almost spoke, had my mouth open, but I closed it, too dumbstruck by what I'd just heard. Just as I was about to make another attempt he quickly spoke. "Moving on."

I sat next to him, uncomfortable and angry, for 2 full hours. Worst of all, it was a typical company meeting inasmuch as we didn't even attempt to disuss anything remotely useful to us. It was simply a time during which he would ask about our individual clients and we would answer his questions. Glorious!

I'd rather get kicked in the balls by P twice* than experience September 26th, 2006 again.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some serious relaxing to do.

*Per ball.

How I Wheedled My Way Into Heaven

I tried to start the morning out as I usually do, but P started off the day ignoring me and all of my attempts at civility and optimism. Eventually he came around and walked up to me, shook my hand, and apologized for last week's events. I reciprocated the handshake, thanked him, and told him that it's very mature of him to apologize to me. We were supposed to go to Top Foods, a local grocery chain, this morning to explore and get the kids acquainted with grocery shopping and finding the items they needed. P, at first, was hell-bent on not coming with us. I spoke briefly with his teacher who gave me a few tips (many of which I'd already employed) and the day seemed to go by well after that. The other chaperone coming with us witnessed the difficulty P was giving me. She walked up to me afterwards and told me I'm doing a great job and that I'm definitely going to Heaven.

So I got that going for me.

The grocery store was a fun time. I followed P and another guy, K, around while they looked for such items as shaving cream, cinnamon rolls, soap, pears, and crackers. We even helped another girl find tartar sauce. The excitement never ends, folks!

When we got back we did the lunch thing and P had the rest of the day to chill. I accidentally left my guitar at the school over the weekend so I pulled that out and began to play. Eventually our old friend J came by and started singing again, only this time he amassed a huge following of people who wanted to hear him belt out his newest tune (which, from what I was able to gather, is about how much he misses some of his friends... including a few who go to school with him daily). I strummed a few chords while he sang. The group seemed to get a kick out of it and J got a hearty applause out of the ordeal. Then he started telling people he'd be singing at Club Cheryl (doesn't exist) after school at 6:30 am (pm). Good times.

P left school about an hour early so I was able to mingle, talk to some of the kids, and relax just a little before I headed home. It was a good Monday.

"Hey J, did you hear the one about the fire at the circus? It was intense!"

So today was to be our big trip to the zoo! I was rather looking forward to this day as I've wanted to go to the Woodland Park Zoo since I first heard about it (they have giraffes and gazelles and a whole big African savanna set up with hippos and whatnot!). When the kids all arrived we got P and the rest of our group ready to go and sat and waited for the bus. We were taking an Access bus, which is a transportation system set up here for individuals with special needs. The bus was 45 minutes late but we finally got on and rode to the zoo.

At first, it was awesome! The animals were great, the weather was beautiful, and the other adults with me were a lot of fun. However, it didn't take too long before P became anxious and started wandering off from the group without telling me. I let it slide a few times, but at one point I spent about 5 minutes trying to locate him. When I did, I appealed to P to please let me know when he was going to wander off from the group. He reacted very poorly, telling me that he'd do whatever the hell he wanted. I left him alone to calm down, but only minutes later I realized he was missing again. So I went to find him. When I did, without any exchange of words or anything, I was kicked in the leg. Repeatedly. I refrained from restraining him, as it seemed as though that would only be a pejorative action. I asked him if he wanted to split from the group for a little while. He did. We split.

He ate a little bit of his lunch then threw the rest in his backpack. We wandered around to try to catch up with the rest of the group. Eventually we found them. Not 10 minutes later P found something else to make him angry. I was able to successfully get him out of the building we were in, but as soon as we got outside he attacked. This time I was forced to restrain him, as he was punching and kicking me and everyone else was still inside. Once he stopped hitting and was allowed back up he tried to leave. Myself and one of the other chaperones followed him for a while before the other guy had to leave. Eventually P turned around and began talking to me again. We chilled out in front of the zoo for about half an hour before going back in and meeting up with the rest of the group.

That was the end of the violence for the day, but not the end of the trouble. We got back on our bus at 2 in order to get back to Kent with enough time for the kids to catch their respective busses home. The driver had to pick someone else up before dropping us off, which he did. Soon, an elderly woman in a wheelchair joined us on our Access Adventure. However, she was an angry old woman with little nice to say, so the driver opted to drop her off first. This turned into a fiasco on a grand scale. The driver found her house, but it was located on a steep hill which he did not feel comfortable leaving an old woman in a wheelchair on. The woman was furious about this and demanded she be dropped off at home. This caused us to be very, very late getting back to the school. P began to grow tetchy once again. Another kid, J, began to cry (and continued until we got close to the school). It was a fiasco that only my patented horrible jokes could alleviate.

J finally came around and started telling us his own jokes, all of which had the same punchline.... shrimp. We arrived at the school close to 4:00. I hung around explaining the day's events to teachers and other helpers before taking off for home around 4:30, hitting some extreme traffic, and finally arriving home at about 5:30.

How much does it cost a pirate to have his ears pierced?

A buccaneer!

The Crazy Woman on the Metro (And Other Short Stories)

Today P was scheduled to work with another girl, which means another adult would be going to Rite Aid with us. However, the other girl was absent so P and I were scheduled to go alone. I found this out as soon as I walked into work and scrambled around to figure out what bus to take and so on before P got to school. When he got to school, true to P form, he was not wearing his work clothing and had to change. I continued to scramble around while he changed to prepare us to go. We caught the bus just in time.

We worked for an hour or so and then ducked out to catch the bus back to school. We got back with just enough time to eat before I had to rush P to prepare to go see the movie with the rest of the group. He spent a solid 25 minutes in the bathroom (!) before I told him he had to leave. One of the teachers asked me if P did his cafeteria job yet. Of course, he hadn't. So while P got ready to go, I rushed out to the cafeteria to pick up all the milks, juices, and salads for the next day. We all headed out in a hurry and then waited in the rain for about 10 minutes for the bus to arrive.

When the good old metro finally got there we all piled in and noticed right off the bat that the only empty seats were in the back next to some woman who was obviously high on something. She was running all up and down the bus while her friends tried to calm her down. At one point she started calling the kids in our group names. When she finally sat down I moved and sat directly next to her. There was no way in hell I was going to let her do or say anything else about our group. She tried to strike up a conversation with me. We exchanged pleasentries about what little foresight I have for not having an umbrella and wearing a small coat. When we got off the bus P complained and bitched and moaned and made threats about the woman. Calming him down from shit like that is always a lot of fun, as it involves a lot of ignoring him and then telling him he has to let it go. A lot.

Barnyard was an alright movie. Apparently it was directed by Steve Oedekerk, who writes for The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live. He also directed Kung Pow and those movie parodies where the entire cast is made up of thumbs. Brilliant.

We got back to school just in time for P to catch his bus home. P was still complaining about the crazy high woman on the bus as he left. Good old P! Overall, an alright day.