Zap Rowsdower's Final Sacrifice

Unfortunate URLs

2006-10-12T03:11:00.000-04:00

I found these here.

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

Let's Play Catch - Up: The Aftermath

2006-10-08T15:39:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, October 4th, 2006

Today I applied for jobs as a dog wrangler, an apprentice baker, and the front-desk attendant at a flight school.

With all of my new free time I've been thinking of taking up another hobby, looking into getting a job on the fire department, and watching some reruns of Frasier on tv that I'd normally miss under the tyranny of a daily schedule.

I also find myself contemplating crazy things I never cared so much about before. Like my chest hair. I have a lot of it. And it's thick. I wonder what it'd be like to have no chest hair.

Thursday, October 5th, 2006

I didn't do a damn thing today. Nothing terribly constructive, anyway. I set a high score for that game where you take the big mallet and hit the bar that makes a little ball or something fly up and hit the bell. I don't know what it's called, but until someone hits the reset button later tonight, I'm the strongest man in the city. Possible strength/chest hair connection? We'll need to run some more tests, but at this stage I'm 92% sure that I draw my strength from the raw power of my manly body rug.

Friday, October 6th, 2006

I applied for some more jobs today (AV technician, cameraperson, restaurant dishwasher/prep person, pizzamaker, and lunch server). I have an interview at one of the restaurants tomorrow.

Saturday, October 7th, 2006

I was offered a job at the Sterling Cafe, which I was told by the owner is the first organic food restaurant in the states.

There, now you're all caught up. It's not Sunday, October 8th. I start working on Thursday, which gives me 3 or 4 more days to try to find work in my field or work that will be more stimulating than organic food preparation. However, I won't have to go long without a paycheck so I'm free to continue with my studies on chest hair.

Let's Play Catch - Up 2: Electric Boogaloo

2006-10-08T15:14:00.000-04:00

Monday, October 2nd, 2006

P showed up this morning with a black eye. He told me (and anyone who would listen) that he got in a fight with some kids who wanted to steal his money. But he didn't have any money. So they hit him. In the eye. He ate some breakfast while sharing his story with every passerby, and then joined the rest of the class. We actually spent a little bit of time working on his goals and making some progress. He wasn't angry at all when I brought up work-related matters and he was fairly calm all day long. He did his job, and the day was very normal and easy.

Until after work.

I went home and started taking a nap. I had errands to run and planned on waking up around 5:30 to take care of everything. Around 5:15 I got a phone call from the agency asking if I was coming in to work. I told them no, I hadn't planned on it. When asked why, I didn't really know what to say. I hadn't heard of any work I was supposed to be doing on Monday afternoon. It wasn't on my schedule anywhere. Apparently what happened was the owner of the agency had e-mailed me asking me to come in and meet with him that evening regarding the incident in the meeting last week. However, I never received such an e-mail. I don't think they believed me when I told them that, and they started getting a little rude when I explained that I wouldn't be able to meet them that evening. They then asked if I could meet with them Tuesday. I could not, as I had an appointment (I even asked for the day off the week before so she'd know I was unavailable). They then asked me about Wednesday, which seemed silly as they scheduled me to work a Wednesday evening shift. The earliest I would be able to meet with them was Thursday.

No matter how many times they asked me, the situation stayed the same. I was incredibly frustrated with the situation, and my voice was very indicative of this. At that point I was just tired of dealing with this mess. I hadn't done anything wrong and it was draining me to have people continuously bringing it up and then having stuff like this happen. I told them I'd meet them at 4:45 on Thursday evening and we hung up the phone.

I went out to run errands. I was walking in the middle of the city when my phone rang. It was the agency again. I answered the phone and was immediately told that due to my reaction to hearing I had a meeting with the owner, I was being put on administrative leave until I felt it was "important enough to meet with [them]." I explained once again that it had nothing to do with the importance of the meeting and everything to do with the fact that I was busy. I was then told that I sounded paranoid about what the meeting was actually about. When I told them I wasn't paranoid, I was frustrated with the entire situation, I received no response. So, I told them that since I was on leave, I had a ton of free time and would gladly meet with them tomorrow. Tuesday at 11:30.

Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006 (11:30)

I arrived on time and ended up waiting for about 10 minutes for my supervisor. All she did was take me to the next building where the owner's office and practice (he's a psychiatrist) was. She led me to his office, a very dark room with no lights on and the window blinds drawn shut. Right off the bat he told me he no longer felt like I was a good fit for the agency. He told me he thought the entire situation was my fault and then proceeded to analyze me for a few more minutes, telling me what type of person I am and how I feel. I sat there for a little while, but decided to speak up right around the 30th time he tried to tell me how I feel. When I told him "I understand what you're trying to say, but you're completely wrong and I don't appreciate being told how I feel," his rebuttal was a very planned, cold, psychiatrist response. "We know you're right, Mike. You've made it very clear to us that you're right and we're wrong."

At this point I realized he wasn't going to hear a word that I had to say and he'd planned out his speech and responses in advance, so I asked if we were done, excused myself, filled out a time sheet for the day before, and took off.

So that situation is behind me completely. I really hope they find someone great for P. I hope he succeeds in life and is able to control himself better in the future. I wish I could help him out, but it's no longer my job. It's someone else's turn to take some kicks to the junk.

C'est la vie.

Let's Play Catch - Up

2006-10-04T13:22:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the lack of updates, folks! A lot has happened in the last week, so let's jump right into it.

Wednesday, September 27th, 2006

Today was a little bit longer but a lot easier. P showed up to school and we did the normal school stuff. He was in a decent mood and things were fine all day long. I was still a little tired from the day before, but P was having a good day so things were pretty easygoing. About halfway through the day I heard that I may have to pick up a 7:00 am shift before work but never heard anything or received any e-mail about it so I dismissed it. Eventually I e-mailed my supervisor and inquired about it and, as it turned out, I was assigned to work at 7:00 am with R, the kid with the crazy schedule from the week before. Sweet.

P and I went to the library for a few minutes. It was (thankfully) a very uneventful trip. My next shift wasn't until 5:30 and it was only 4:30. Unfortunately, due to traffic conditions and the distance I had to travel, I was still 15 minutes late to my second shift. During this time I called my supervisor, J, and told her that I would be late to my second shift. I also told her that I was not very pleased with the scene made at last night's meeting by the agency's owner. I told her I was very frustrated by what happened and I'd speak with him myself when I was ready to. She agreed that he was very confrontational and said he was mostly protecting her. Apparently she was the one who was offended buy the suggestion of meeting somewhere else. She thanked me for venting and promised that my work was not going unnoticed.

I made it through the second shift, arrived home around 10:00, and sat down to relax before heading off to bed so I could wake up for my early shift before work. I checked my e-mail and found that my supervisor had asked me to write down how my 2nd shift was, as a co-worker of mine would be visiting that same client the next night. So, I sat down and I wrote this:

"Hey N,

"So J asked me to e-mail you tonight and let you know how my evening with Z was. Well let me tell you, it was magical. I'm not sure how thorough this needs to be, so I'll just write what I remember.

"Traffic was pretty backed up from my direction and I ended up calling them around 5:20 and letting them know I'd be late. I was 15 minutes late but Z's aunt was totally cool with it (she deals with traffic all the time). Apparently earlier in the day Z snuck out of the house so he could skip school, but he got caught and sent home. This put him in a bad mood so he started threatening his aunt and "actin' the damn fool" as they say somewhere. From what I gathered all he did was hurl insults, threats, and some nasty language her way. When I got there he was just chilling out on the floor mumbling something derogatory-sounding under his breath. His room was a really awful mess of rotting food and foul laundry, so his aunt was cleaning it. She told me he's gotten violent before (broke her jaw once), but nobody really tries to restrain him, they just back off. Tonight, however, he was completely under control, just a stream of bad language.

"We went on an adventure to the laundromat, where we did 7 loads of his dirty laundry. I don't remember what time we arrived, but we didn't leave until 8:40. We played rummy while we waited for the clothes to dry (he won 635-405). At one point he tore the "Out of Order" signs off the broken dryers and threw them away. I told him that was uncool and explained to him how badly it sucks sometimes to get jipped (not in those words). I then asked him to put the signs back up and he did. The kid loves rap and metal and reflects that in his personality. His aunt bought a padlock and installed it on her bedroom door so he can't "get in anymore". I didn't inquire about that at all. When we got home I helped him fold and put away his clothes and his aunt made macaroni and cheese (he put ketchup on it). Around 9:20 his aunt told me I was free to go if I wanted to. I hung out and chatted with her and Z for about 10 minutes and ended up leaving shortly after 9:30 (I thought it was cool enough of her to let me go before 9:45).

"That's about it. Pretty easy-going family. He (normally) has a 9:30 bedtime, an affectionate cat, and a ridiculously awesome dog. Not a bad night, considering he was supposed to be in a pretty bad mood (and seemed to be at first, but it didn't take a lot of interaction to get him to open up and talk about music and whatever else he felt like saying about school or his aunt or playing guitar).

"That's probably enough. If you need to get in touch with them, the second phone number listed in the contact sheet is her cell and she keeps it on her all the time. Hope this helps!"

I ended up not being able to sleep just because I knew I had to be awake at 6:00 am.

Thursday, September 28th, 2006

My alarm went off at 5:45. The first thing I did was reset it for 6:00.

My alarm went off at 6:00. I hit the snooze button and rolled over.

My alarm went off at 6:04. I sat up, yawned, shut off the alarm, and dragged myself to the bathroom. I took the quickest half-asleep shower ever, threw some clothes on, and headed out the door. I figured I'd hit some traffic on my way to his house. I did not. I was 15 minutes early.

I was back at R's house. For those of you who have forgotten, R is the kid with the scheduled out life. It's a very difficult schedule to maintain, as he usually finishes up a task fairly early and will have to sit in his room between each scheduled event (which, obviously, he doesn't want to do). So I worked with him, preparing his breakfast, getting him ready for school, etc. At 8:30 I dropped him off at school and headed towards my normally scheduled job with P 40 minutes (without traffic) away.

It was Thursday so P had to work at Rite Aid that morning. He did an awesome job! He shelved about 4 boxes worth of Halloween candy and novelties. I didn't have to help a bit. In fact, I spent a good deal of time just standing in one spot while he worked and kept to himself. We finished up the Halloween isle just in time and caught the bus back to school for lunch. After lunch we went out to the library again. Once again we had another successful library trip! Things are finally looking good for P! He's really adapting well now and I'm very proud of him. We got back at the school with little time to do much else but get ready to put him on the bus and go home.

I took a nap when I got home.

Friday, September 29th, 2006

The first thing that happened today was P took one look at his schedule and saw that he had nothing planned. I told him that sometimes he won't have anything planned and it's his choice to either find someone to help him make plans or decide what he wants to do in the classroom that day. He threw a small tantrum. When I asked what he was frustrated about he told me it was because people are always screwing him over. When I explained to him that he got to go to the zoo and to the movies, his sly retort was "So?" Blast! Defeated again by kid logic!

I decided that since he was starting to act up so early in the day it was probably best that he not go anywhere. P then started asking other teachers if he could go places and before I could explain what had just occured, S signed him up to go to the gym.

So P and I hung out a bit then went down to the gym with 2 other students. It was an alright gym and the kids were fairly well behaved. The biggest problem I was having was in attempting to help them understand that the less weight they used the better off they'd be tomorrow when they wake up sore. P kept testing me everytime I tried to help him, asking me loaded questions like "Are you saying I'm out of shape?" and "You think I'm too fat to lift 70 pounds?" Eventually I just allowed P to use however much weight he wanted and saved my words of advice for students who were willing to hear them.

Later in the day the agency staff member had a meeting with 2 of the program's teachers, one of them being S. Apparently they'd all gotten together and decided that S would be the go-to guy in all matters concerning our agency. This wasn't exactly the best news in the world, but I was glad to hear there was a concrete person to go to should there be any more confusion.

After the meeting I met with S, who apologized for constantly negating me and asked if I'd like to speak with P about how there would be consequences for his actions in the future. This was a very pleasent surprise and we had an excellent conversation with P about it. He was very mature and took the feedback well. I left work that day feeling pretty excellent about things.

And then, Monday.

Stay Tuned For "Catch-Up Part 2: Catch Harder"

"That's a ridiculous idea."

2006-09-27T00:11:00.001-04:00

I don't even want to write about today. I don't even want to remember that today happened. Today, to put it mildly, sucked.

P didn't show up to school today. I waited for about an hour thinking he may show up late, but he didn't. His teacher, S, asked me what I was going to do today, so I told him "I don't know. I guess I'll call the agency and if they don't need me, I'll leave." He responded curtly with "You're not leaving." S is not exactly the most knowledgable guy when it comes to matters of the agency vs the school district, so I passed it off and called the agency. I was told to ask another one of the employees, C, whether I was needed or not and, if not, I would be free to go. When I hung up the phone S asked me what happened, so I told him.

When I got to the part about asking C what I should do, he looked like he was having a seizure. He kept making ridiculous faces and looking at me like I was a moron. When I finished recapping my phone call, he told me "Well, I have almost the same job as C, so I'm saying you have to stay." I tried to explain to him that since I was told to ask C what to do I'd feel more comfortable obtaining an answer from her. This was met only with more annoyed grunts and wacky facial expressions until he stomped upstairs to where C was working.

While S was upstairs venting, I spoke with some of my co-workers about a meeting we were having that evening. According to the schedule the 7 of us were to drive directly from the school, through traffic, to the office to meet up. We all agreed that it made more sense for our boss to drive to us, thinking it would save everyone time (including time that would appear on company time sheets), and mileadge (which would also appear on company time sheets). Since I was without a client and therefore relatively free, I wrote out the e-mail. I recieved a reply shortly afterwards saying that the meetings always take place at the office. And we can't claim mileadge to the meetings. Bummer.

Very shortly after that C came downstairs and said "Hey Mike, since P's not here I want you to work on something for me." "Let me guess, S has been complaining about me," I inquired. C looked very uncomfortable as she slowly replied "No, I just have something for you to do."

I spent about an hour and a half staring at Excel doing spreadsheets, hardly the job of a youth behavior specialist.

When I was done I helped out some of the agency's other employees and left as soon as possible. I wanted to forget the day even happened, get through the supervision meeting, and go home. The owner of the agency showed up, unbeknownst to all of us, to join in the meeting. We all gathered, exchanged pleasent small talk and anecdotes about the day's events, he sat down next to me, and the meeting began.

The first thing the owner said was "First of all, who wrote that e-mail about us meeting at the school? Who's idea was that?" Seemed to me like a trick question, as it was my e-mail but not my idea. However, I spoke up, claiming my words with great authority, completely unaware of what was to come next.

"That's a ridiculous idea. We had no idea where it came from. We're here, we meet here. That's how it is."

I felt all eyes on me. And not just regular, curious, watching eyes. Gigantic, shocked, watching eyes. I don't think any of us knew what to say.

We all sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. I almost spoke, had my mouth open, but I closed it, too dumbstruck by what I'd just heard. Just as I was about to make another attempt he quickly spoke. "Moving on."

I sat next to him, uncomfortable and angry, for 2 full hours. Worst of all, it was a typical company meeting inasmuch as we didn't even attempt to disuss anything remotely useful to us. It was simply a time during which he would ask about our individual clients and we would answer his questions. Glorious!

I'd rather get kicked in the balls by P twice* than experience September 26th, 2006 again.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some serious relaxing to do.

*Per ball.

How I Wheedled My Way Into Heaven

2006-09-25T19:54:00.000-04:00

I tried to start the morning out as I usually do, but P started off the day ignoring me and all of my attempts at civility and optimism. Eventually he came around and walked up to me, shook my hand, and apologized for last week's events. I reciprocated the handshake, thanked him, and told him that it's very mature of him to apologize to me. We were supposed to go to Top Foods, a local grocery chain, this morning to explore and get the kids acquainted with grocery shopping and finding the items they needed. P, at first, was hell-bent on not coming with us. I spoke briefly with his teacher who gave me a few tips (many of which I'd already employed) and the day seemed to go by well after that. The other chaperone coming with us witnessed the difficulty P was giving me. She walked up to me afterwards and told me I'm doing a great job and that I'm definitely going to Heaven.

So I got that going for me.

The grocery store was a fun time. I followed P and another guy, K, around while they looked for such items as shaving cream, cinnamon rolls, soap, pears, and crackers. We even helped another girl find tartar sauce. The excitement never ends, folks!

When we got back we did the lunch thing and P had the rest of the day to chill. I accidentally left my guitar at the school over the weekend so I pulled that out and began to play. Eventually our old friend J came by and started singing again, only this time he amassed a huge following of people who wanted to hear him belt out his newest tune (which, from what I was able to gather, is about how much he misses some of his friends... including a few who go to school with him daily). I strummed a few chords while he sang. The group seemed to get a kick out of it and J got a hearty applause out of the ordeal. Then he started telling people he'd be singing at Club Cheryl (doesn't exist) after school at 6:30 am (pm). Good times.

P left school about an hour early so I was able to mingle, talk to some of the kids, and relax just a little before I headed home. It was a good Monday.

"Hey J, did you hear the one about the fire at the circus? It was intense!"

2006-09-22T20:44:00.000-04:00

So today was to be our big trip to the zoo! I was rather looking forward to this day as I've wanted to go to the Woodland Park Zoo since I first heard about it (they have giraffes and gazelles and a whole big African savanna set up with hippos and whatnot!). When the kids all arrived we got P and the rest of our group ready to go and sat and waited for the bus. We were taking an Access bus, which is a transportation system set up here for individuals with special needs. The bus was 45 minutes late but we finally got on and rode to the zoo.

At first, it was awesome! The animals were great, the weather was beautiful, and the other adults with me were a lot of fun. However, it didn't take too long before P became anxious and started wandering off from the group without telling me. I let it slide a few times, but at one point I spent about 5 minutes trying to locate him. When I did, I appealed to P to please let me know when he was going to wander off from the group. He reacted very poorly, telling me that he'd do whatever the hell he wanted. I left him alone to calm down, but only minutes later I realized he was missing again. So I went to find him. When I did, without any exchange of words or anything, I was kicked in the leg. Repeatedly. I refrained from restraining him, as it seemed as though that would only be a pejorative action. I asked him if he wanted to split from the group for a little while. He did. We split.

He ate a little bit of his lunch then threw the rest in his backpack. We wandered around to try to catch up with the rest of the group. Eventually we found them. Not 10 minutes later P found something else to make him angry. I was able to successfully get him out of the building we were in, but as soon as we got outside he attacked. This time I was forced to restrain him, as he was punching and kicking me and everyone else was still inside. Once he stopped hitting and was allowed back up he tried to leave. Myself and one of the other chaperones followed him for a while before the other guy had to leave. Eventually P turned around and began talking to me again. We chilled out in front of the zoo for about half an hour before going back in and meeting up with the rest of the group.

That was the end of the violence for the day, but not the end of the trouble. We got back on our bus at 2 in order to get back to Kent with enough time for the kids to catch their respective busses home. The driver had to pick someone else up before dropping us off, which he did. Soon, an elderly woman in a wheelchair joined us on our Access Adventure. However, she was an angry old woman with little nice to say, so the driver opted to drop her off first. This turned into a fiasco on a grand scale. The driver found her house, but it was located on a steep hill which he did not feel comfortable leaving an old woman in a wheelchair on. The woman was furious about this and demanded she be dropped off at home. This caused us to be very, very late getting back to the school. P began to grow tetchy once again. Another kid, J, began to cry (and continued until we got close to the school). It was a fiasco that only my patented horrible jokes could alleviate.

J finally came around and started telling us his own jokes, all of which had the same punchline.... shrimp. We arrived at the school close to 4:00. I hung around explaining the day's events to teachers and other helpers before taking off for home around 4:30, hitting some extreme traffic, and finally arriving home at about 5:30.

How much does it cost a pirate to have his ears pierced?

A buccaneer!

The Crazy Woman on the Metro (And Other Short Stories)

2006-09-21T21:01:00.000-04:00

Today P was scheduled to work with another girl, which means another adult would be going to Rite Aid with us. However, the other girl was absent so P and I were scheduled to go alone. I found this out as soon as I walked into work and scrambled around to figure out what bus to take and so on before P got to school. When he got to school, true to P form, he was not wearing his work clothing and had to change. I continued to scramble around while he changed to prepare us to go. We caught the bus just in time.

We worked for an hour or so and then ducked out to catch the bus back to school. We got back with just enough time to eat before I had to rush P to prepare to go see the movie with the rest of the group. He spent a solid 25 minutes in the bathroom (!) before I told him he had to leave. One of the teachers asked me if P did his cafeteria job yet. Of course, he hadn't. So while P got ready to go, I rushed out to the cafeteria to pick up all the milks, juices, and salads for the next day. We all headed out in a hurry and then waited in the rain for about 10 minutes for the bus to arrive.

When the good old metro finally got there we all piled in and noticed right off the bat that the only empty seats were in the back next to some woman who was obviously high on something. She was running all up and down the bus while her friends tried to calm her down. At one point she started calling the kids in our group names. When she finally sat down I moved and sat directly next to her. There was no way in hell I was going to let her do or say anything else about our group. She tried to strike up a conversation with me. We exchanged pleasentries about what little foresight I have for not having an umbrella and wearing a small coat. When we got off the bus P complained and bitched and moaned and made threats about the woman. Calming him down from shit like that is always a lot of fun, as it involves a lot of ignoring him and then telling him he has to let it go. A lot.

Barnyard was an alright movie. Apparently it was directed by Steve Oedekerk, who writes for The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live. He also directed Kung Pow and those movie parodies where the entire cast is made up of thumbs. Brilliant.

We got back to school just in time for P to catch his bus home. P was still complaining about the crazy high woman on the bus as he left. Good old P! Overall, an alright day.

What Happened After Work

2006-09-20T22:34:00.000-04:00

Today was a very, very normal, boring day. Well, almost.

It's been requested on more than one occasion that I bring in my guitar in to school. Today I actually remembered. It was a late arrival day for all the kids so the staff got together and had a meeting. A staff meeting, if you will. It was pretty dull, for the most part. Some nurses came in and spoke to us about administering medication (which was a huge waste of time considering that out of a staff of around 20 only 4 or 5 of us are permitted to administer meds).

Kids arrived around noon and immediately began eating lunch. Afterwards most of the kids had places to go (a job, a trip, whatever), but a handful of us stayed back. P and I made jello with a few other kids and planned a movie outing which we'll go on tomorrow (I'm going to see "Barnyard"... what the hell is "Barnyard"?). Afterwards I got out my guitar and played for a little while. One kid, J, has down syndrome but LOVES to sing, so I switched up the chords from time to time and he belted out some random words (at one point he screamed "Let my people go," I shit you not). It was a good time.

The school day ended fairly quickly but I was scheduled to pick up a 2nd shift working with a kid in his home named R. I was supposed to pick him up at 5:30 from school and transport him home. It took me more time than I thought it would to find the school, so I was about 10 minutes late. When I got there they wouldn't release him to me because my name wasn't in his file. When that mess got straightened out I brought him home. The first thing his mother said was that between 6 and 6:30 it was homework time. I didn't think this was weird at all... yet.

He was called out to wash his hands for dinner promptly at 6:30. While he was washing up I inquired about what I should be doing while they ate their family meal. His mother pointed out to me a schedule with which I was to familiarize myself. Holy crap. R's life was scheduled in 15-minute increments, from morning wake-up and room check-out at 6 am to lights out at 8:45 pm. It was horrible. During homework time, R got in trouble for making flash cards that his mom could use to quiz him. Apparently that was something he should've done during activity time, not homework time.

During their dinner I overheard some of their conversation. Apparently R's treatment was costing the family too much money and they stood to lose the house. Hearing the kids cry and tell their parents that they didn't need an allowance was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever experienced in my entire life. During dinner R's mother told him very strictly that he was the reason that they might lose the house and that in his current state of mental health he will never be an industrial engineer. He cried even harder. I hung out in his room and drew happy pictures for him and his sister during dinner. At one point I noticed that there was a training toilet in R's closet. Seemed odd, but I didn't think much of it. I've seen stranger things since starting this job.

It was about bedtime when we saw that R's sheets were smeared with chocolate. Apparently he ate a Kit-Kat bar in bed after he woke up this morning. I changed the sheets and then it was quiet reading time. I hung out for a while just in case I was needed. About 10 minutes later we heard a clicking in R's room. His father and I investigated and found out he was trying to take apart a toy of his. It was taken away from him and he was told to shut off his lights and go to sleep. At this point his father took out a key and put it in an electronic, alarmed deadbolt lock that was installed outside R's door and locked him in for the night. I was asked to stay until 9:00 just in case he acted up. He never did.

Friends, never stop valuing your own mental stability. Never stop valuing your ability to live freely and do what you want to do. Never stop valuing your family.

El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro P

2006-09-19T17:44:00.000-04:00

The day started like any other day... a little rainy, a little chilly, not too different from most other days. This would be the day P shows his true colors.

When he arrived I greeted him at the door as usual and, as usual, something was wrong. I don't recall what he said anymore. It doesn't really matter. Surprisingly, someone remembered that it was his first day of work today so he brought nice pants and an acceptable shirt to wear. He went into the bathroom to change and, if I had to make an educated guess, I'd say it took him roughly 17 hours to do so. When he finally emerged from the depths of the boys' room, it was time to skidaddle.

We arrived at Rite Aid around 10:00 but were told to sit and wait in the break room for over 15 minutes. Eventually they got around to facilitating us and P and the girl who came with us, J, began folding clothes and straightening shelves. They did an excellent job and I was very proud of them. Sometime around 11:10 we left to catch the bus and arrived back at school shortly before lunch.

After lunch most of the kids were split into two groups, both heading out to different libraries. We got to the library and things seemed alright. The kids were all looking for books and using the computers and having a low-key afternoon away from the classroom. I left P alone for about 5 minutes to look for something. When I got back I caught him looking at a book of artistic nude photos. When he saw me he hurriedly shut the book and forced it onto a spot on the bookshelf where it obviously did not belong (oh, P... photo books don't go on the "Learn to Speak Spanish" shelf! Silly boy!). I was merely going to explain to him that a public library may not be the most appropriate place to look at such books, but he thought I was going to scold him for looking at it in the first place (the kid's 18... c'mon... I'd be more shocked if he wasn't looking at nude women). Thus began my library assault adventure.

P flew off the handle, yelling obscenities and throwing punches in the library. I tried to get someone else to help me get him out of there, but the other adult just sat there. When I went back to find P he was even more pissed that I went back and was following him again. I stayed far enough behind him so that he couldn't turn around and punch me, but that didn't work all the time. I took a few hits, but was unable to restrain him because he was screaming in the library and to restrain a kid is a pretty big commitment. It sometimes takes 30-60 minutes for a kid to stop screaming even after behind held to the ground. So I opted to just keep trying to get him out the doors. Finally he realized I wasn't going to leave him alone, but when he got to the doors he threw them both open as hard as he possibly could, causing them both to make god-awfully loud cracking/smashing noises as they hit benches and walls on the outside of the library. His battlecry "Fuck all you guys!" could be heard for miles as he exited.

When he got outside he took off. I stopped and asked for another teacher's cell number in case I needed it and promptly ran off after him. When I caught up with P, he was furious and kept saying he wanted to go home. Luckily the school is on his way home, so we walked toward the school. Unfortunately the school is at the top of a nice big hill and about a mile and a half to two miles away. We had a nice long walk, during which he admitted to me that he looked at the book because he's lonely and that I'm one of the best friend's he's ever had. How sweet.

So my arm and jaw hurt a little bit. It's alright. He managed to steer clear of my groin, and for that I am extremely grateful. The situation was frustrating, exhausting, and wore me out to the point where I just want to lay on the couch all night long.

Screw that, I'm going to a birthday party.

"I have a headache"

2006-09-18T23:07:00.000-04:00

As the busses pulled up this morning I made sure I was at the door to greet P as he entered. When I saw him, I put on a big smile and enthusiastically said "Hey, P! How was your weekend?" "I have a headache," was his only reply. Today would be a good day.

P spent much of his time avoiding work, students, teachers, and me. He wasn't bad, just very docile and sleepy. He's always sleepy though. I think his medication messes with him but nobody else has raised it as a concern. Maybe I will be the first. P didn't want to hang out with his class so he sat in the kitchen and drew pictures. I was bored, so I grabbed C ("Does anybody like Citgo gas stations?") and played a riveting game of Battleship.

"B-1?"
"Miss. J-1?"
"Hit. B-2?"
"Miss. J-2?"
"Miss. B-3?"
"Miss. I-1?"
"Miss. B...."
"Wait, there's no way I could miss I-1 if J-2 is also a miss. It's in the bottom corner."
"B-4?"
"Miss. How did I miss that?"
"It's your turn."

Friends, it was fantastic. And best of all, the game continued throughout much of the day. God bless Milton Bradley.

At one point I was able to convince P to come outside and throw a football. It was apparent early on that he has not had a male role model before, as his football throwing technique was pretty awful... worse than mine even. His aim was good though; he hit me in the genitals twice. I have never before had a job where I've taken so much abuse to the nads and I'm not sure the old adage "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" really applies in this situation.

Because P was so sleepy all day I spent much of my time helping other students. I sang in the parking lot with J on the way to getting garbage bags, I watched 2 other kids' whose names begin with J play Magic until I thought I was going to die of boredom (approximately 23 seconds), I played ball with B, and I helped some other staff members figure out some computer problems. It was a pretty good day that ended fairly quickly.

Kangaroo Retirement Home

2006-09-15T22:55:00.000-04:00

Seriously, nothing happened today. Nothing. At all.

P's family can't afford lunch money so today he started doing a job where he goes to the cafeteria and collects all of the milks, juices, and salads we'll need for the next day. Apparently this pays him enough to eat daily. Man, if I knew that's all I had to do...

Our group took a trip to a retirement community today. That was a blast. We got to see the dining room, and the tv room, and the physical therapy room, and some hallways, and there were 2 pet birds (Bert and Ernie). None of us were thoroughly impressed, until I found a photo album that showed a kangaroo visiting the retirement community. From that point on it was "kangaroo this" and "kangaroo that." Not from the kids though. That was all me.

Everyone wants me to bring my guitar in. I think I'll "forget" to bring it on Monday.

After work I had to go to the agency for a one-on-one meeting with our boss. This went very smoothly, mostly due to her having nothing bad to say about my work and tons of good things to say about my methods, my attitude, my availability, and my flexibility. I was very pleased until I checked out my schedule and saw that they added a nice 4 and a half hour shift to my Wednesday night.

But seriously, there were pictures of a kangaroo hugging old people! I want a kangaroo that hugs people. And occasional picks fights with me. Truth be told, there'd probably be more fighting than hugging. Kangaroos aren't known for their hugging.

Behave Yo'Self So You Can Shave Yo'Self

2006-09-14T21:24:00.000-04:00

Work was pretty good today. P came in angry because of a dream he had last night. It wasn't very difficult to calm him down, but it wasn't very much fun either. He refused to work or play with the group so we went off on our own and drew pictures for a few hours. Eventually we were able to convince him that he needs to shave his face. P has a real problem with hygiene. Actually, I'm not sure if the case is that he has a problem with hygiene or he doesn't know what hygiene is. Seriously. So a few minutes later, P emerged from the depths of the bathroom clean-shaven, which was pretty awesome because mustard had stained the left and right sides of his "moustache."

The guy who runs the program brought his girlfriend's kid into work today. He's 4.5 years old and the coolest kid ever. He followed me around all day long, and when he wasn't following me around he was grabbing my hands and leading me somewhere. I didn't count the number of times I heard various people mention my apparent readiness to become a father. Yeah, because that's what I need right now. It's not the first time I've heard it, and it certainly won't be the last time. But every time it's weird.

After lunch P and I went with our group to the library. It was pretty neat. P checked out 2 books and I checked out a book and a movie. When we got back to the program it was about time to leave. I played with the guy's girlfriend's kid for a while then got P ready to go. For whatever reason he was agitated again, but by this time I'd had a long day of drawing, playing, taking trips to the library, calming down P and other kids, and hearing about what an amazing father-figure I am and I wasn't ready to take any more crap. So I told him "You can be as angry as you want, but if you're going to take it out on me I'm going to walk away and you can find someone else to help you."

This calmed him down faster than any other method I've attempted. I'll have to remember it and save it for special occasions.

"Are We Going To Spend The Whole Fucking Day Looking At Shoes?"

2006-09-13T22:18:00.000-04:00

So today was fun! In the morning all the kids formed into their groups to go on more outings. Just as we were about to take off, P was stopped and told he couldn't join us because his mom had failed to provide quarters for him to pay to ride the bus. This set him off and he began swearing and throwing chairs in the kitchen. Good times!

When he finally calmed down, it was explained to us that there was a mix-up and he could go after all. So, P and I ran after the bus and joined our group on their magical voyage to the local Rite Aid. When we arrived there was barely enough time for us to look around before we had to hop on another bus back to school to eat lunch.

Nothing of significance happened during lunch.

After lunch, we all regrouped and went out on our second journey, this time to Fred Meyer (it's not really Wal Mart, it's not really Target). The first thing I noticed after stepping foot into Fred Meyer was that Halloween is fastly approaching. The first thing the rest of the group noticed was the shoe section. We'd only been in there for a few minutes when P loudly vociferated "Are we going to spend the whole fucking day looking at shoes?" I got a few stares, heard a chuckle and a snortle, and ignored it.

We arrived back at the school right before the afternoon meeting was to occur. Sometime between our arrival and the beginning of the meeting I had to pry a girl's fists off another girl's head. Pretty awesome! During the meeting, it was announced which students would be working at which location first. When P did not hear his name called off on the list he quickly punched a locker and sat on the ground, pouting. Eventually he came around (40 minutes later) with just enough time to get on the bus and go home. I stood in the parking lot watching the busses leave until they were all gone. As the last bus pulled away, I saw the tiny hand of another boy I'd heard had been a problem that day pop out the window and slowly extend a middle finger.

We're doing God's work.

"The Metro And You" or "Do You Guys Like Texaco?"

2006-09-12T21:18:00.000-04:00

Thursday, September 7th

Thursday was an amazing day. For whatever reason everything clicked and all of the kids got along really, really well. We played Disney Scene-It in the morning and it was nearly impossible for me not to show off my superior knowledge of Disney flicks by screaming out the answers as soon as the questions were asked. As difficult as it was to maintain my composure, it was significantly more difficult to admit defeat with the hydraulic lift. Guess what the problem was? I put one of the pieces on upside-down.

The rest of the day was spent having the kids get to know each other and have an enjoyable day. We went on a scavenger hunt and played tennis and basketball. It was a very relaxed day.

Monday, September 11th

Today we began the task of getting the kids involved in their community. In the beginning of the day P and I were assigned to complete a task involving finding different things in the daily newspaper (the date, the weather, the local sports news, the rants and ravings of an overly conservative woman, the rants and ravings of an overly liberal man, etc.). However, he didn't want to do that. So we came up with a list of options for him so that the next time he doesn't want to do an assigned task he'll always have something else to do.

Later in the day, myself and 3 other staff members took 8 kids on the metro bus to go for a ride trying to find things that they would like to learn more about or would like to go visit. 2 staff members were supposed to get off the bus at the library with 3 kids, but it didn't take me long after the library stop to realize a mistake had been made, leaving me the only adult on a metro bus line I'd never ridden before with 5 kids. Nice.

The task of writing down the places the kids wanted to return to was assigned to a girl named C. C was tired of nobody telling her anything to write down, so she began systematically naming off all the places she saw along the bus route ("Does anybody like Burger King? Does anybody like Petco? Does anybody like Les Schwab Tires? Does anybody like State Farm Insurance? Does anybody like Cabbot Realty?"). It was glorious.

At one point the bus driver took a 10 minute (read 25 minute) break. It was at this time a friendly, young group of chaps made their way to our stop and began using words that I didn't really want to hear my kids repeat. Of course, my kids really wanted to repeat them, so I felt it was my responsibility to put an end to it. Stopping the kids wasn't working out so well so I went directly to the source and, using some of their own vocabulary against them, put an end to the problem at hand. This did, however, make for some interesting looks on the bus ride that, for a time, I believed would lead to a stabbing. In me.

A short 15 minutes later ("Do you guys like Cold Stone Creamery? Do you guys like Wal Mart? Do you guys like Greg's Japanese Auto Repair?") we were back at the school and I was ready to end the day. At the end of each day we have a group meeting, during which we all give "shout-outs" to people who did something exceptionally well or made good decisions throughout the day. The group then recognizes the amazing achievement of said student by displaying a very anxious and excited applause in American sign language... which basically looks like a room full of people doing jazz hands. Or trying to fan off their ears. I haven't yet decided.

Throughout the day we hand out red tickets to students who are doing good things. The students then place these tickets in a little bin and at the end of the day a name is drawn and the student whose name is picked can choose a prize. Today, P had his name chosen. It took him 35 minutes to choose a prize. (He chose a Transformer on a skateboard... which Transforms into some sort of car or something.)

Tuesday, September 12th

Today we took the kids on two more outings. The first was to Ikea. That's right, Ikea... the labyrinth of the furniture world. We all got lost. All of us. At one point students were in the living room department while others were in the kitchen department. It was a good time, albeit a little hectic. From what I've gathered, Ikea is one of the places the kids can choose to work. Also, from what I've gathered, Ikea is the #1 retailer of tealight candles. Holy shit! They sell bags of 100 of those things for about $2.00 and they are located at every corner, "hallway," and bin.

After Ikea we came back to school long enough to eat lunch and take off again. What magical place were we to experience next? Where else... a grocery store! We spent 90 minutes in that grocery store. Seriously. Have you ever spent 90 minutes in a grocery store (not clocked in)? I have. It was Heavenly. And by Heavenly, I mean excruciating. Seriously. But we're doing good work. The kids now have experience riding the metro, hopping for food, and staring at Swedish goods. My work here is done.

For today.

Hydraulics, Kicking, Nudity, and Vomiting

2006-09-06T19:44:00.000-04:00

As soon as I arrived at work today I decided to do my best to finish assembling the hydraulic lift. I called the company and got a very friendly woman on the line, but nobody at the school could find the instruction manual for the lift. The best she could do was e-mail her superior and have him call me back. Day #2 with no bathroom lift.

P and the rest of his class were assigned to make little keychains out of tiny bits of colored plastic wire. Good times! Oh, except he didn't want to do it. Didn't even want to try it. He pretty much gave up before he even knew what the assignment was. He went to several different people to help him but always ended up throwing his project on the ground and stomping away. At this point I asked someone to teach me how to do it (they were essentially braiding which, being a guy, I didn't know how to do) and I took over for him. At this point he decided to help another student with his chore. In this case, the chore involved walking around a bus parking lot emptying trash bins. So, while P and his friend emptied trash bins, I wandered behind them braiding plastic wire. Everything was going well until I, not paying any attention, slammed my head into the rear-view mirror of a bus.

When we arrived back at the school things were crazy. One student started a fight with another student and a woman ended up getting bitten and going to the hospital. Shortly after that one of my co-workers' clients wandered into the kitchen completely naked. Not too long after that my co-worker went on break and the same client wandered into the kitchen with his pants down vomiting all over the place. So, while one person swept up the chunks I got the mop and bucket and cleaned up. Then P threw a tantrum and kicked a filing cabinet out of anger so I had to get him outside and calm him down for a while.

At one point the hydraulic lift tech people called me back and asked me all sorts of random questions. Eventually it was deduced that we received several wrong parts. I have no idea when this will be corrected, but at least I know it's not my fault that the lift can't be assembled. Soon after this phone call someone asked me if I was back from my break, to which I replied "Break? I haven't taken a break yet today." I was then lectured about not taking breaks (as if I had time to take a break) and told to take 15 minutes. Fine!

I spent my 15 minutes figuring out a break schedule for my co-workers and I.

As the day went on things slowed down. It was shortly before I left that I realized my head was bleeding (but only semi-severely). Something about my head smashing into a large, metal, rear-view mirror just didn't sit right with my skull, I suppose. Weak.

It was an excellent day, overall. Very busy, went by quickly, and a lot of fun. Is it Friday yet?

The First Day Of School

2006-09-05T20:16:00.000-04:00

Today I began my journey working with autistic young adults and the community. Wow. What a day.

I awoke this morning at about 6:30, much earlier than I had intended. However, I experienced a phenomena unlike any other. Apparently if you wake up early enough to see the sun rise, our entire apartment is painted orange. It's amazing. Instead of going back to sleep I made a cup of coffee and sat on the porch for an hour smiling. It was a beautiful morning.

I arrived at work 15 minutes early and was immediately put to task assembling a hydraulic lift in the bathroom for one of the students. Friends, I am not qualified to do this whatsoever. What-so-ever. But my buddy Matt and I made the best of it and hung out in the bathroom attempting to follow directions that, I'm fairly certain, were not intended for this particular model (possibly not even for this type of machine). Eventually it became evident to us that we were not going to be able to accomplish this feat, so we called tech support. I left an entirely too complicated message on their machine and we called it quits for the day. They never called back. Awesome: now I don't have to be held accountable when some poor child harnesses himself into a lift I built and ends up falling ass first into a toilet! Not so awesome: when some poor child who can't lift himself out of a wheelchair and onto a toilet needs to pass a b.m. guess who gets to lift him out of the chair, pants at ankles, and set him on the toilet? Yo.

I was so busy assembling hydraulic lifts in bathrooms that I didn't even notice when P showed up. When I saw him, I wandered over and gave him a friendly hello. His hello was significantly less than friendly. This was the beginning of a long day for P.

Here's what I've learned about him. He can't be in crowds. He can't stand loud noises. When assigned to a task he has to take breaks every 19 seconds. He has an attitude problem. A severe attitude problem. He has an attitude problem so bad that it makes me envy my co-workers with non-verbal clients. It became apparent to me that I was going to have my hands full when, throughout the day at any given time should I be looking away or talking with a co-worker, he'd walk right up to me and say "Shouldn't you be watching me?" He beseeches structure and challenge, but as soon as you offer either of the two he puts up a struggle to avoid it at all costs. Furthermore, I heard more than one racial slur spew forth from his mouth today. If nothing else, by the end of the year he'll be breaking that little habit. I'll be sure of that.

For the most part it was a great day. During lunch I sat in a small room by myself to catch my breath and collect my thoughts. To the right of me my co-workers Steve and Souk were reading "Oh The Places You'll Go!" to a 25-year-old and to my left my co-worker Sarah was drawing her 94th stop light for a 19 year-old to color with highlighters. It was a really touching moment and not only did it make me further value my own mental health, I felt an immense, overwhelming fondness for what I do. It was a remarkable feeling.

One of the men who runs the program I work for has a file of information on P, which is great because the agency I work with doesn't have any info on him at all. So, sometime soon I'm going to sit down with him and hear all I need to hear about P. Should be a very interesting conversation.

I'm looking forward to the rest of the week; if nothing else for the amazing sunrises, none of which I intend on missing out on.

So A Man Walks Into A Special Needs Agency...

2006-09-02T13:37:00.000-04:00

First of all, welcome to The Final Sacrifice!

I'm Mike. Until recently I worked as a long-term substitute for a high school in Vermont. I enjoyed everything about the job. Everything, that is, except for the fact that it was located in Vermont. Thusly, when the school year ended, so did my residency in New England. I now reside in the state of Washington and work as a Youth Behavior Specialist. A Youth Behavior Specialist (YBS) works one-on-one with children who are managing behavioral difficulties. I primarily work with autistic young adults.

"Wow, Mike! That's really impressive! But what qualifications do you have to work in this field?" Good question! I don't know!

I began working with the agency in August at their summer program. It was a very relaxed environment in which the children were allowed to do pretty much anything they wanted (within reason). We spent a lot of time playing basketball, dodgeball, Risk, and several other games that I'm pretty sure were made up by the kids as we went along. We also went on several outings and, on low energy days, watched a lot of Disney flicks (one day I was fortunate enough to see "The Emperor's New Groove" three times! In a row!). The kids, for the most part, were great and only twice did I ever have to restrain anyone for their or others' safety. During the few weeks I worked in the summer program I was spit on, kicked, punched, and bitten.

Well, the summer program is over now and the school year is days away. During the school year I work one-on-one with only one student. This week was a training week for the employees at the agency and I had yet to meet or know anything about my client.

Monday

On Monday we basically sat around listening to the higher-ups speak in legalese for hours. Thrilling as that was, I just couldn't muster up the heart to care. I had a headache that felt like a scorpion stinging the backs of my eyeballs and brain.

So Monday was fun. I learned a lot about my co-workers and our client base and when I got home the only thing I could think to do was go for a jog. It didn't help me with my headache but it did give me some time alone to think about how I got into this whole crazy scheme.

Tuesday

Tuesday was a more interesting day. I drove to the school to meet up with a team of individuals I'll be working with closely throughout the year. I gained a better perspective of my job, which is apparently just to be a role model or a "big brother" to my client. Essentially, I have to get him involved in his community in a positive way. It was on this day that I was finally told who my client was, which is good because this was also the day I was supposed to meet him. The directions I was given to get to his house were pretty awful and I ended up driving around for 45 minutes to find a place that was supposed to be 1.3 miles from the school. Eventually I found their place and met my client, P, and his mother. They were both very kind and excited to meet me. P seems like a very high-functioning autistic. I chatted with them for about half an hour before heading out.

Wednesday

Wednesday was the most difficult day of them all. On Wednesday we were trained in proper restraining techniques, how to verbally redirect a client who may be getting ready to lose their cool, and how to handle many different types of situations that may come up. I learned a lot about myself from this course. People have been telling me for years that I have a bad attitude, but I never put much stock into it because I don't. Well on Wednesday I learned all about the power of inflection, tone, and body language.

I left work feeling like the biggest asshole ever that day.

Thursday

After Wednesday I was ready for anything. Surely nothing could be worse than having to learn about how big a jerk I come across as all day long, right? Right! On Thursday I went with a few other employees to get my CPR and First Aid training out of the way. The instructor, Nate, was a very excited fire fighter who had a lot of amusing anecdotes about his job, life, and helping people. I spoke with him during several of the breaks we were allotted and he told me about a few fire stations that have volunteer programs set up. I left work that day certified in CPR and First Aid for 2 years and I got some information about a volunteer program to join in my free time. Score!

I'm currently in day 2 of a 4-day weekend. On Tuesday I start working with P. I'm mostly excited about what this school year is going to bring me. I like to think that even though I don't feel I've had the requisite experience to handle this exact situation, under my aegis I can really help P out. However, realistically, I feel that P and the other students I'll be working closely with are going to teach me far more than I hope to teach them.